Production just wrapped on our biennial community revue: an original musical written and performed every other March in the neighboring town of Hinsdale. I’ve been in the show twice now, and I just love it. But, like many things, it is a real letdown when it is over. We spend January through March learning songs, scenes, and dancing, and then after two weekends filled with performances and parties, it’s all over until the next time. So it was probably with that sadness in place that I started reviewing the 4,000 pictures posted by my friends on the cast and from the audience. Did I see the culmination of 3 months of hard work? Did I reflect on the accolades and compliments I received from my friends and acquaintances?

Nope, I saw the “fat” girl.

So, here is the thing. I know better. I also know that, objectively, I am the largest woman on stage in this production. Also objectively, a lot of being convincing on stage has to do with looking right, and I don’t always look “right.” A lot of this was sort of swirling through my head, and then I had a conversation with Steve about one of his students, and his inability to get this person to take stock of their successes as well as their shortcomings. (Using “their” on purpose. I have no idea who really reads this, but no need to call any individual out.)

Last year was tough. I went into the fall of 2015 about 10-15 pounds lighter than I am right now. I went up about 20 from there, and lost about 5 or so again. It’s been an uphill climb. While C was sick, I managed to get some exercise in until the hospitalizations became a regular thing. During the whole time, my eating habits were suspect. It’s taken me until this winter to really pull things back together and try to put both exercise and nutrition as a priority. Even with the additional dance and movement, I didn’t lose weight this winter. I also didn’t gain weight, and I’ve definitely put on some muscle. And I suppose the question, which I already answered for myself, is do you let vanity and 15 pounds keep you from doing something you love to do? I don’t think so.

Well, I decided to do a little inventory of the things I HAVE achieved and how the decisions I’ve made have played out over the last 5-10 years, and it was honestly a bit eye-opening.

I don’t remember 2007; probably blocking it out. Ha! In June of 2008, after 5 years of very part-time study that I started when the kids were a baby and pre-schooler, I received my master’s degree.

In June of 2010, after a couple of years kind of languishing in a couple of dead-end and unsatisfying jobs, I took the leap to be the part-time managing director of Chicago Chorale and work at home. That gave me the flexibility to get involved with my kids’ schools, and I became a PTO officer and joined the board of their school district’s foundation. At 42, I found myself making dozens of new friends and acquaintances, and expanding my social circle in ways that I hadn’t previously considered.

In March of 2011, I sang at a friend’s wedding. That led to me being hired to sing regularly at our neighborhood Catholic church–something I hadn’t quite bothered to get involved with because of my ongoing ties with my church in Lincoln Park–but that has nonetheless had the result of giving my kids and me a neighborhood spiritual home.

In 2013, I decided to really try to lose the weight that had been creeping up on me, and did so, joining my CrossFit gym at the same time. Over the course of that next year, I lost between 60 and 70 pounds, and although I have fluctuated up in the last year, at any given time I’m down over 50 pounds from my highest weight. Also in 2013, I decided to give singing in Chicago Chorale a go, after 3 years of managing the group.

Right there, in 5 years: I started singing meaningfully again, made my circle of friends enormously wider, and took charge of my health.

In December of 2014, I was asked to join the cast of the 2015 Revue and enjoyed every second of it. I’m not sure that the fact that I was 10-15 pounds lighter then really mattered. In 2015, that Revue happened, while we planned a tour for Chicago Chorale and it felt like I sang just about every day. Later in that year, Celia was diagnosed and while many things were put on hold, a lot of other things crystallized for me. We took things apart, and put things back together in 2016.

And now it’s 2017. One more Revue. Big improvements in my weightlifting abilities. I have met even more wonderful people. You guys, I learned (a little) how to TAP DANCE. At 48.

I still don’t like the way I look in those pictures, and I suppose I have a little bit of time before the next Revue to decide how important it is to me to get to a weight that would make me happy on the outside of things. But look how far I have come! I’m not sure my body, my knees, or my psyche would have allowed me to perform the way I did the last two weeks, just four years ago in 2013.

We have been joking around at the gym class I go to, 6:00 am this year, that we are the “masters” class. That’s because the youngest is maybe 46. The purported goal is of course to become stronger, which happens in smaller and smaller percentages at this age, but in fact the real goal is: Don’t lose ground.

So that’s my conclusion. I’m fluffy. But my world is so much bigger than it was 10 years ago, and I am doing things regularly that I just couldn’t even conceive of at that time. I don’t think I would have thought, at 38, that my world would be better, that my health would be improving, and that I would be doing MORE as I aged. That was my mistake. Screw New Year’s resolutions…might be time to make a list for the next 10 years, right now.